So this blog is going to be a little unusual for me, but I want to encourage those who are going through the same thing. Part of what I will share will be the reason why I have been absent from blogging. I could not talk about growth before I grew. And I really couldn’t talk about healing until I was healed for myself. So here it goes…
I experienced my first heartbreak, ever. Yep, the first one just a few months ago. I did the whole 9 yards. Crying myself to sleep, diving into or refraining from food, not feeling like myself, being joyful on the outside and absolutely depressed on the inside, and sadly running back to ex’s I thought I was done with months before. It hurt like crazy. On top of all of that, it seemed that so much more was just pilling on my shoulders. One blow after another. All I wanted to do was be happy. I did not talk to people about it, I kept it in until I got to the comforts of my quiet home. I walked around with my head held high, strut in tact, and a huge smile like I was the most joy-filled person that ever lived. But the outer world could not see my tears, my fears. They could not see the fact that I felt worthless and my heartbreaker didn’t help. All the attributes I thought I had seemed to go out the window with my heart.
Not to mention I had been focusing so much on people that I had made them my “idols”. I talked to them way more than I talked to God. I wasn’t praying like I should have been. I was giving a half-hearted praise because I was focusing on myself and the people that would soon disappear or show their true colors sooner than later.
BUT GOD. I put this here because there will always be a “but God” moment in your life. You won’t be able to explain it. In fact, when you try to tell people about it – they will probably look at you like you’re crazy. My Bishop preached on “It Will Be Worth the Wait” about 3 Sundays ago. I sat in the 4th row crying my eyes out in worship, because it hit me. I knew that He was testing me, preparing me for a new season and a greater calling. But before He could do that, He had to remove the baggage, the scars (so I could not make excuses to make the person who put them there my “healer”), and the people who I had strung along “just in case” they were the “one”. All of the struggles, tears, hurt, pain, and UNCOMFORTABILITY I went through is preparation for what God has me waiting on. I don’t know what it is yet, but I know it will ALL be worth it.
This may not be everybody’s story, but there are some great things that come out of being single. I’m not talking about the typical response “I can do anything I want, talk to whoever I want, I’m not tied down, etc”. I learned to trust God because pretty much everyone else I trusted, left. I was not able to talk to the person (or people) I would run to before. I literally would lay on the floor and just cry out to God. It was there that I learned to talk to Him before anyone else and to seek His face foreal. I started reading my Bible more, and making daily time with Him. I no longer went to church or to services to go “meet” people but to really hear the Word. I’m progressing in letting go of every ex and every “pop up”. I learned how to have fun all by myself, take myself out, and enjoy life for life itself.
So ladies and gentleman, you might see yourself in my scenario. Maybe it wasn’t a boyfriend or girlfriend, but it was something hurtful that happened between you and a friend, or a parent. Whatever the case may be, there is healing after heartbreak. That same healing leads to growth. I promise you it gets better. When I was in it, I was a little mad at God. Like really bro, this is what you do to me? But looking back, I’m ever so glad it happened. If he wouldn’t have broken me, I would not have GROWN. I know it’s hard. You feel alone, you feel like no one understands, and in some cases there is no one out there for you, you’ll be single for the rest of your life, etc. But take this opportunity to really find YOU. Not the you that’s defined by “girlfriend, bestfriend, main girl, boyfriend, boo, or bae” status, but the you you were created to be. Take time to really talk to God instead of running from Him.
Remember, YOU ARE WORTH THE WAIT!
P.S. Thank you to someone special who really encouraged me, pushed me, and built me up as a friend. He helped me scratch off the “concrete” that was on heart. He helped me see the beauty and special characteristics that I hid from myself. And get this, he did it all without wanting a “return on investment” we usually see surface within a few days with others. He doesn’t even realize how much that means to me and how blessed I am to have him in my life. I’m forever grateful and humbled.