Chivalry became Netflix and Chill. Dates became house calls. And commitment became sex partners. We don’t want titles so we became complacent in living together or being friends with benefits. You loved me because I was convenient. I was there when you needed encouragement and help, but I couldn’t give you sex so your options needed to widen. I wanted intentionality, but you mistook lust for freedom. You knew I wasn’t for games so you treated me like your favorite pair of Jordan’s. You put me on the shelf waiting for an event good enough to take me out for.
Your idea of foundation was quick sand, but I wanted concrete. I didn’t want to fall in, I wanted to walk on solid ground. But Christ wasn’t the solid ground you stood on, so what did I expect? You couldn’t give me the agape love I needed because you didn’t know it yourself. You could only give me the brokenness you saw from toxic relationships, empty promises, and trust issues. I was trying to play savior instead of pointing you to mine.
But where do I go from here? Do I settle because I feel like you’re the best I’ll get or do I keep striving for that Whitley and Dwayne type of love? A love that transcends boundaries. A love that gets easier by the day because we started walking together instead falling and trying to pick up shattered pieces. A love like Dr. RA Vernon and Lady Victory. I want us to support the other in everything, even in those things that challenge my thinking and go against the grain. I want that love that makes my soul laugh. A love that doesn’t feel like fun, but is fun. A love that makes my skin glow and inspires others.
Months ago I would have apologized for wanting that love. But I can’t apologize because I want a love in which the journey is longer than your orgasm. So I’ll wait.
– Cherise Nicole